Cheesy Party

There was a time when irony had no place at a cheesy party, which would have actually featured a selection of cheese (on cocktail sticks, with pineapple), but these days we can look back at the old-school party follies of our parents and pretend to mock them, while secretly admitting that diabolical dancing to kitschy music is a whole lot of fun. Worlds collide at the top of our list as throwback diva Shirley Bassey covers Pink's "Get the Party Started".>br/>
Limber up for a bit of "Macarena" in Next Steps.

Knowledge of one-hit-wonder dance moves cannot guarantee you entry into university, but it will certainly impress your friends and family — warm up with some "Macarena" from Los Del Rio, the hand gestures for which can be carried over, with minor adjustments, to Kylie's version of "The Locomotion". Ottowan talks you through the easy action of the self-explanatory "Hands Up (Haut Les Mains)", but be careful not to steam into "Zorba's Dance" too enthusiastically — you could put your back out. A relentless disco beat, a party hat, and an expression of pure dim-witted joy . . . there's much more to come in Deep Cuts.

Aside from tulips, Holland has exported mountains of cheese — and we're not just talkin' about Edam. Stars On 45 was the brainchild of Jaap Eggermont from Golden Earring, who had the wizard idea of stringing together a bunch of dance-friendly tunes over a sturdy handclap-drumbeat — "Sugar, Sugar" and "Venus" are among the barrage of hits to be found on the outfit's original single. "Star Trekkin'" took a similar approach to quotes from Star Trek and remains one of the most annoying/fun pieces of music in any galaxy anywhere.

Megamixes, Rickrolling, acronyms set to music and semaphore, Miley Cyrus's dad, "Agadoo" — there's no turning back now, because you have just landed smack in the middle of a cheesy party, and everyone's formed a circle around you and they're clapping their hands in time to "Don't Look Back in Anger" by the Wurzels and expecting you to dance like a farmer . . . but you've got your own ideas, because you know all the words to "Delilah" and you've got a soft spot for "Save Your Kisses for Me", and, what's more, you sincerely believe that the best chorus in the history of pop can be found on David Hasselhoff's "Crazy for You". Feels like heaven? Yes . . . and heaven smells like cheese.