The Wayward Irregular
By Matthew D. Jordan
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Podcast Description
The Wayward Irregular is an ongoing series of free audiobooks - original essays and storytelling read in narrative, occasionally humorous, occasionally baffling.
| Name | Description | Released | Price | ||
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1 |
ExplicitAllen Masterton and the Beautiful Music He Prays You’ll Never Hear | Without getting terribly country-western in this opening sentence, I’ll submit the following: I’ve got friends in weird places, and sometimes, they sing pretty songs. I’ve loaded up the computer with a tall stack of music, and it’s all performed by one finicky and difficult near-ginger artist, my close friend, Allen Masterton. Allen’s one of those [...] | 2/20/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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2 |
ExplicitLong Drives, Failed Stratagem, and the Time I Peed All Over My Car | Every night, right before a much deserved period of unconsciousness, I enter the bathroom and perform a ritual—a ritual convincing my wife that my mind has finally snapped. Everyone pees before bed, a quick micturition to get the pipes all clear and keep the weird dreams about watersides and lemonade stands far from the bedside [...] | 2/13/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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3 |
ExplicitThe Client Wishes Only For Your Death: Terrible Advice from a Freelancing Insider | I’m sitting here, a pint sized Hoyo de Monterrey balanced on this ancient keyboard, and things are turning squirrely. There’s a solid length now between me and the days of pawing over a feed reader, each post a possible morsel of sustenance, each headline some terrible missile aimed for my guts. I don’t write about [...] | 2/6/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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4 |
ExplicitIt’s Big, Ugly, Brazilian and Brilliant: Ice Packs and Bro-Fights | What a strange new hobby I’ve adopted, this last year spent writhing around under florescent lights with men whom intend me harm, gnashing teeth and painful grunts—I think this is what the 80’s were like. I do this by choice, the writhing and wrestling thing. Hours upon hours of each week dedicated to the art [...] | 2/1/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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5 |
ExplicitFuture Televisions and the Dirty Blood Credits | Wandering into an electronics store and buying an expensive television off the wall, on a whim, is like stuffing a cooked ham into a tube sock and referring to it by a woman’s name—that is to say, the activity completely baffles me. White haired fifty something’s with popped windbreaker collars and spotless internet shoes seem [...] | 1/23/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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6 |
ExplicitAnd the Horsemen Came, And They Feared the Man Nathan Fillion | In my years on this planet I’ve arrived at two infallible truths: Ranch dressing has no discernible equal, and Nathan Fillion needs to star in a goddamn blockbuster movie already. I’ve had enough of the Twitter campaigns, blog posts, speculation, want, lust, need, and all manner of gripping your knees in a cold shower and [...] | 1/9/12 | Free | View In iTunes |
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7 |
ExplicitWhen We First Learned of Lust: The Nintendo Christmas | Much like ranch dressing, Thriller, and the Sears catalog—The Nintendo Entertainment System shaped my life in ways that were both very important and wildly confusing. When the thing first arrived on our shores, it cost about ten-kerbillion American dollars, so for most of the lower middle class, we had to wait a few years for [...] | 12/19/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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8 |
ExplicitAlex Blumberg and the Womp Womp Box | There’s a certain level of self awareness required to enjoy sloppy fast-food ice cream in the company of another man. Generally, for those of my ilk, it’s a devious and perverse little slice of life—sitting alone in a quiet room and absorbing every calorie, savoring each granule of processed sugar, the promise to yourself that [...] | 12/12/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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9 |
ExplicitAncient Squares of Cardboard, and All That Valueless Postage | My younger brother briefly showed an interest in baseball, and as a result, his grandchildren will likely snort off-world caviar from the bellybutton of alien slaves. I had my brief affair with the game, but it was rather fleeting, manifesting in a couple of those long-triangle felt banners that young boys used to tape to [...] | 12/5/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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10 |
ExplicitChanging Chairs with The Licorice Stick | I once played the clarinet for seven years, and it was those kinds of decisions that set the tone for much of my adolescence. For my graduating class, the whole band thing started in the fifth grade, and I think we were picking out our instruments at the end of the fourth. As with most [...] | 11/21/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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11 |
ExplicitIt’s Not Going to Win, It’s Not Going to Claim My Body | It’s that moment where I feel the virus dig in and take hold, the moment where I contemplate throwing myself out of a window—the moment when I realize I’ve got a cold, and I’m going to spend the next several days leaking. The shades come down with a dangerous mechanical slam, red lights and sirens [...] | 11/14/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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12 |
ExplicitNow We’re Knuckle-Deep Into This Geek Foolery | I was home, but I had to eat fast—three men in Texas were waiting for me. It was more like ten, eight for sure—we’d pick up the last two if necessary—but three of them were in Texas and they were ready to get murderous. Dammit, I forgot the caffeine, things are going to get heavy [...] | 11/7/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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13 |
ExplicitThe Fruit Magic About Jade Stone Machines and Electromagnetic Floor Mats | After an hour on the mat, I struggled to feel the jade working it’s magic, and as I pretended to imagine toxins leaving my body, I planned an escape. The mechanical bed was fit with pounds of jade stone, apparently blessed with flute music or some mystical nonsense that probably involved a self-anointed priest, eagle [...] | 10/24/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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14 |
ExplicitDreary Fluorescence In Tractor Country | The man was a redneck, more so than the the kind Nebraska traditionally produced, like he was born over an ancient redneck burial ground, or grew up over a redneck fault-line of some sort. Taylor and I clicked right from the starting pistol, meeting at community college and quickly bonding over a love of sock [...] | 10/17/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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15 |
ExplicitHe Quietly Cuts Himself When the Guitarist Doesn’t Wipe Down the Pizza Stations | The rough looking Pizza Hut located about a mile from my home has been taken over—and successfully operated—by a hardcore metal band currently taking a break between albums. This is an assumption mind you, as I can find no alternative explanation for the gruff crowd that serves me soda and swipes my credit card at [...] | 10/10/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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16 |
ExplicitWe All Stand in a Triangle Here: Downtown Folk Have a Crooked Language | Fifty paces from a coffee shop hawking overpriced sandwiches, I witness some kind of dusted-up vagrant using a Diet Coke can as a toilet, and it was then I knew I was downtown. The peoples of downtown live in a variety of converted housing, old rat hovels repainted and laid with mahogany floors, or new [...] | 9/26/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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17 |
ExplicitBoiled Highways and Gravel Mountain Suicides | Wild and rumbly, the car was an impostor, and when we sped together over back-county mountains, I knew it tried damned hard to keep me from killing myself. It was a fourteen-hundred dollar maroon behemoth, a 1978 Mercury Cougar with a cracked windshield that spent it’s original years under a tarp in some old codger’s [...] | 9/19/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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18 |
ExplicitHe Sleeps on Old License Plates and Has To Fight Rats for His Dinner | My bulldog, whom I hold in higher regard than many of my contemporaries, looks as though he’s been living in a tire fire for the past six years. Dogs get skin infections, I now know, and dogs with wrinkles get them in horrible ways. What starts as a little spot we treat with ointments, slowly [...] | 9/12/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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19 |
ExplicitThe Gentleman’s Guide to Smoking a Tobacco Pipe (Without Looking Like a Hipster) | Learning the fine art of the tobacco pipe can be a tremendously rewarding experience, just so long as you don’t look like a complete tool-bag while doing it. For nearly as long as our species has been roasting food over a fire, we’ve been altering the tobacco leaf and dancing with it’s introspective ghosts. I’ve [...] | 8/29/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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20 |
ExplicitIt’s Probably Long Division or an Ancient Germanic Language | While sitting in the front row and struggling to comprehend how one is expected to divide numbers using a little slash, it hit me like a chalkboard eraser to the eyeball: I was going to remain in the third grade for eternity. It was wild how quickly I accepted the fate – I would sit [...] | 8/22/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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21 |
ExplicitThere’s a Special Quiet In The Cloudy Ones That Does It For Me | The disagreement: A gentleman with whom I work tells me that the best way to take your meals is outdoors, and I respectfully tell him that he is a godless heathen. He loves it – can’t possibly absorb enough sunlight and bathe himself all over under it’s vitamin enriched rays. The context: When you’re queuing [...] | 8/15/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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22 |
ExplicitPerhaps The Yellow Bag is a Multi-Purpose Survival Device | When they opened a new IKEA store a few miles from my home, little did I know this would prepare me for inter-galactic space travel. The titan blue box finished it’s month long and near-silent birth only recently – the store pasted against the horizon as a deity defiant monolith marked in four letters from [...] | 8/8/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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23 |
ExplicitThere’s One For Each of Us, and Mine Is Called Keith and The Girl | Everyone has a morning show they watch or listen to, regardless of how accurate the words before that comma truly are. Part of the waking routine for the living can vary – coffee, a shower, blowing your nose and lighting a cigarette, wildly scrambling a fresh corpse from your bed then calling your dad’s lawyer, [...] | 8/1/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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24 |
ExplicitTen Ton Fantasies, The Taibbi Man Crush, and I’ve Never Read Ellison | Often, I sit down with eight fingers on the middle row, and not a damn thing other than a messy sneeze can get them active. They say – the royal they – they say that in order to be a writer you must simply keep writing. Marvelous, thanks they. The advice boils down to doing [...] | 7/25/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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25 |
ExplicitThe Inexhaustible Patience of P. Finnegan and the Terrible Funnel of Questions | When hired at the agency where I shared space with an indomitably patient Irishman, little did he know that my presence would eventually correlate to his daydreams involving elaborate suicide. I’ll save you the backstory for this multifarious ride, the job, the people, the locations and all the things. This brief tale will be our [...] | 7/18/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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26 |
ExplicitThe Treasure Cave, The Gorilla, The Cliff Diver, Rolling Music and Bubble Guns | You don’t simply experience Casa Bonita, Casa Bonita is thrust upon you. The restaurant, tethered to our realm in Lakewood Colorado, translates from the Spanish directly into “Beautiful House,” or “Oiled Beef.” The place is organic, breathing in and out, its tendrils plunge into your mind the second it’s name is mentioned in mild conversation. [...] | 7/11/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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27 |
ExplicitMore Dark Stuff: Savage Grief for Internet Explorer 6 | If the internet browsers Firefox, Safari, and Chrome are your chiseled jaw pioneers – convertible cars and pitch black hair that never moves, then Internet Explorer yields more the image of an elderly gray sweater sitting in the corner, throwing offered spoons of cornmeal across the room in a wet-lipped fit. Only four commas in [...] | 7/5/11 | Free | View In iTunes |
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28 |
ExplicitAutomata: Hallowed Be Thy Game | Dark noir flows over New York, the swath of tonight’s brush is wide and grim. The 18th amendment has passed, and with it the cessation of all robotproduction - if it makes you toast it’s permissible, but if it reminds you to pick up more bread at the grocery - you’re heading for the pokey on a one-way... | 11/10/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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29 |
ExplicitIt’s On The Top Shelf, Next To The Cardboard Box of Heeby Jeebies | There is a program we’re able to watch on our collective radio-with-pictures boxes, and it’s aptly dubbed Unsolved Mysteries – a show that literally accomplishes nothing. It comes on, peels your eyes open, then pours a slurry of nightmares into your tender ocular meats, all while playing a synthesized theme song. It’ll tell you about [...] | 10/18/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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30 |
ExplicitMarijuana Dispensaries Are The Great Evil Devil Satan | We are at the precipice of the “adult book store” for a generation who grew up with Nirvana as make-out music; we the pastel thinkers, we the children of the flannel button-up. In Colorado, legend goes, there’s a medical marijuana dispensary (read: retail outlet) to match every Starbucks in-state serving up burnt cups of coffee. [...] | 8/25/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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31 |
ExplicitThe Burnout Even Keeps it in the Bathroom | Plodding to face the bathroom mirror completely in the nude wasn’t the issue, it was the pinch in my right elbow that encouraged me to consider other dimensions in space-time. The routine for years has been an unknowing homage to whatever pasty large Aryan toe heads I share ancestral DNA with, those battle axe people, [...] | 8/16/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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32 |
ExplicitMerlin Mann: Productivity Demiurge (or) My Job Isn’t Abusive, I Just Ran Into The Door | “Money is the reason people say they leave a job, but culture is the reason that money became an issue.” - Merlin Mann, Time & Attention | 8/11/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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33 |
ExplicitPastel Flirtations In Showbiz: The Rock-afire Explosion | A quiet hush, a me-ma-me, and a clearing throat – all wisps slicing the quiet preparation behind the curtain. On it’s other side things are vibrant and full of life – youth dancing and feasting in celebration of another happy season, these things take so long year to year. The lights are dim, but spirits [...] | 5/10/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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34 |
ExplicitFeeding From Craigslist: A Tragedy In Five Examples | Having freelanced for a goodly set of years now, I’ve been required to scrummage a chicken bone or two from the mighty internet machine phenomenon known as Craigslist. If you aren’t familiar with what exactly Craigslist is – allow me to lay the information over your brain in moist strips in an elegant way that [...] | 4/5/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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35 |
ExplicitThe Motley Talents of Jonas Friendly: Bones And All | A quick note: The following work of fiction is a conclusion to part one, the tale of a rubber thumbed recluse named Mr. Friendly. As before, it’s a little more dark than the fare you may be accustomed to from your humble author, so I’d like to caution the more sensitive readers / listeners. Maybe [...] | 3/15/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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36 |
ExplicitThe Motley Talents of Jonas Friendly | A quick note: The following work of fiction is a little more dark than the fare you may be accustomed to from your humble author, so I’d like to caution the more sensitive readers / listeners. Maybe skip this one if you’re squeamish, have problems with violence, or are nauseated by birthday cake. Otherwise, please [...] | 3/1/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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37 |
ExplicitKicking the Leaves with Kay, Crazy Comes With an Odor | “I’d have to say, well, nachos,” said Kay, sitting in the guest chair and looking at her feet. She peers over the notepad in her lap, and ponders the toes of her shoes. “Red wine too, but you can’t kill yourself as fast with chips and cheese.” I thought for a moment, then wrote “nachos” [...] | 2/15/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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38 |
ExplicitNo Academy for the Pixel Painters, No Sanctuary for the Learn-Thirsty | It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. The dates, somewhere where the end of the nineties dropped cocoon and developed the colors of the dos-thousands, and the setting, your average college metropolis with a majority of the population likely under legal drinking age. Third Eye Blind and Sarah Mclachlan gripped [...] | 1/25/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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39 |
ExplicitGeoff-Jeff and His Magic Flight on Wings of Buffalo | Not long ago I spent an afternoon like a situational comedy unemployed father figure, sitting in the office amongst my miscellany and looking at things that traditionally only receive the occasional dusting or replacement on the shelf when bumped. I pulled out an old video camera I had purchased many-a-moon ago and with it, eleven [...] | 1/18/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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40 |
ExplicitLanguish of the Heathens: To Sleep Like an Adult | On my first date with my wife all those not-millennia ago, the evening progressed better than could be expected, and at roughly three in the morning we fell asleep in each others arms. Now, take that warm fuzzy feeling I’ve just gently placed in your belly – hold it and feel it’s glowing natural warmth. [...] | 1/11/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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41 |
ExplicitFreelancing May Have Aged Me Irreparably | I’ve penned with, to those who know me, alarming regularity about how I have become aged well beyond my years due to my career as a freelancer. That reads far too noble on first glance, as in reality I mean my prior statement not in reference to any degree of “being learned”, but instead in [...] | 1/4/10 | Free | View In iTunes |
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42 |
ExplicitMiscellany: Chaptisode 2, White Jeans Day | You know the classic question, “What superpower would you have?” – or more precisely, “If you had to choose between the ability to fly, or the ability to be invisible, which one would you choose?” I think I finally have my answer. I’d want to be able to fly. I considered only briefly the ability [...] | 12/14/09 | Free | View In iTunes |
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43 |
ExplicitMiscellany: Chaptisode 1, The Green Thermos | To make an opening statement both thought provoking and profound, I’m often required to fight the urge to use a quotation by someone who’s words can slice to the quick better than mine, like Mark Twain or Bronson Pinchot. In this case, I shall use something I heard over the recent holiday: “You’ve just been [...] | 12/3/09 | Free | View In iTunes |
| Total: 43 Episodes |
Customer Reviews
Like the pictures of me downing chocolate syrup covered cinnabread after midnight
YSAWD is a great "straight-shooter" podcast. It's waaaaaaay explicit and gets into the sticky parts of being an independent designer, especially if you use honey as lube.
Sure is funny
But I'm not sure what it has to do with design :)
The Steve Martin of Wed Design Podcast Guys
Very original, entertaining, educational, intelligent and inspirational. Has a stream-of-conciousness feel, but you can tell that Matthew D. Jordan must put a lot of thought and care into his writing.
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