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Onion Magic Answer Ball

By The Onion

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*** New Answers and Questions Added Feb 2, 2012

Truth. Philosophers, kings, and philosopher-kings have searched for it since the dawn of time. Now, the official iPhone Magic Answer Ball App by The Onion puts the truth in the palm of your hand. In a world dominated by superficiality and mediocrity, only The Onion can be trusted to tell you what lies ahead with scathing accuracy and cool indifference.

* Ask any question and ye shall receive the deserved response, whether it’s “Sadly, yes,” “Hell No,” “Ask The Internet,” “Seek Help,” “Now You’re Obsessing,” “All Signs Point To Me Not Giving A S**t,” or another of the numerous original Onion answers.
* For those of you who prefer to sit back and let The Onion ask your questions for you, The Onion’s Magic Answer Ball App is pre-loaded with daily queries. Hours of fun and enlightenment can be yours while expending the least possible effort.
* Once you’ve had a peek at your future, share your questions and answers on Facebook as proof to your peers when it comes true later.

The Onion’s Magic Answer Ball: If It’s Not 100% Correct, You’re Not Shaking It Hard Enough.


Around the turn of the 20th century, T. Hermann Zweibel, the best-known and influential of The Onion newspaper publishers, led an expedition to Tibet. For it was there, in the lofty Himalayas, that rumors of a sphere of immense and unknowable power caught the ambitious paper magnate's ears. Zweibel discovered this sphere, buried so deep within an icy crevasse that it had never been touched by daylight. This sphere, when correctly prompted, could divulge hints leading to the very secrets of the universe. Within decades, Zweibel’s team of scientists, engineers, and marketers had devised a way to mass-produce a near-exact copy of the Orb, and The Onion’s Magic Answer Ball has sold briskly ever since. Now, its immense power can be harnessed by users of the iPhone.

iPhone Screenshots

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Customer Reviews

Thank you, Magic Answer Ball!

My life used to be a shambles. No money, no friends and no purpose. But since buying the app, I have loads of meaningless wealth, tons of shallow friends, and I live a fulfilling life in total and unquestioning servitude of the Onion. Thanks, Magic Answer Ball!

Reviews are for c#nts

It's pretty good. Better than the Facebook app. Keep up the ok work guys!!!

Nice one

Great app for indecisive folks out there. And for people needing a laugh!

Onion Magic Answer Ball
View In iTunes
  • $1.29
  • Category: Games
  • Released: 20 December 2011
  • Version: 1.0
  • Size: 21.3 MB
  • Language: English
  • Seller: The Onion
Rated 12+ for the following:
  • Infrequent/Mild Alcohol, Tobacco, or Drug Use or References
  • Frequent/Intense Profanity or Crude Humor
  • Infrequent/Mild Mature/Suggestive Themes
  • Infrequent/Mild Sexual Content and Nudity

Compatibility: Requires iOS 5.0 or later. Compatible with iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch.

Customer Ratings

Current Version:

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