Rab C Nesbitt

Rab returns home to find that his wife, Mary, has kidnapped Chingford Steel, the Government Minister for Work, who is on a goodwill tour of Govan. There’s not much goodwill in the Nesbitt house, however, as Mary has just lost her job and decides to discuss the matter with the Minister by dinging him over the head with a frying pan. When Chingford Steel activates his official panic alarm to summon the police Rab and Mary realize they will be arrested as soon as they let him go, so they decide to keep him. As a full scale siege situation develops the police inspector in charge mistakenly decides the kidnappers are terrorists and asks for their demands. This seems too good an opportunity for Rab and Mary to miss so they ‘demand’ a heated towel rail and a better bus service to the town centre. With the military and the SAS involved things are getting out of hand until some surprise bonding between Rab and Chingford over a shared medical problem saves the day. Richard E Grant stars as Chingford Steel, and John Sessions as the police inspector, help the regular cast make the most of an unforgettable comic situation.

The recession is biting hard and Mary and Ella find the bottom has fallen out of the cleaning business as their last client reluctantly has to ‘let them go’. Meanwhile Rab and Jamesie find the bottom is falling out of their business, too, as the benefit office also threatens to ‘let them go’. The entrepreneurial spirit isn’t quite dead, however, even in Govan. Mary and Ella decide to put their singing talents to good use by forming themselves into a new girl band called ‘The Scrubbers’. Their first gig at the local pub is a hit, success goes to their heads and soon it’s a case of from J cloths to J.Lo and from Marigolds to Maria as the prima donna tantrums kick in. Meanwhile Rab and Jamesie set themselves up as ‘Hunks for Hire’, sexy male cleaners for bored housewives. Thanks to a highly misleading picture in their local advert they both get bookings too. Success both in showbiz and hunkbiz proves shortlived, however. Rab and Jamesie ‘s contracts both end (for very different reasons!) while Mary and Ella’s performance on ‘Govan’s Got Talent’ night is a disaster despite the presence of an international celebrity fan in the audience – Susan Boyle.

It’s the day of granddaughter Peaches birthday party and Mary has ordered Rab to attend sober and on time. Unfortunately Rab is called away on urgent business, i.e. meeting Jamesie in the pub. Jamesie’s philandering has finally got him into big trouble and he’s about to become a father. This has created a number of small problems for him. Firstly what to call the child – it’s to be ‘Henry’. Secondly who’s going to be the Godfather – it’s to be Rab. And thirdly how to tell his wife Ella. Fortunately Ella takes the news as well as can be expected, and cuts off Jamesie’s manhood. Meanwhile Rab turns up late and drunk at Peaches party and in a struggle over cutting the birthday cake gets stabbed with the breadknife. Rab and Jamesie end up in adjoining hospital beds. After the doctor (Moray Hunter, Absolutely) tells Jamesie that if his missing organ had been found and kept in the right conditions a re-graft was possible, Jamesie pleads with Rab to find his missing member. In a race against time involving a tupperware container, an ice bucket from the pub and a fight with a very greedy seagull, Rab sets out to save the day.

When the Drop-In Centre where Rab holds his self-help group meetings becomes a victim of council cuts, Rab decides to fight back. Granted time on local radio his impassioned appeal fails to raise any support - mainly because 90% of it has to be bleeped out. An encounter with Council leader Simon Bird (Hamish Clark, Monarch of the Glen) proves pointless so Rab feels it’s time for a grand public gesture. He decides to burn himself at the stake. One white dress and a pudding bowl haircut later and he’s Govan’s answer to Joan of Arc – ‘Rab of Arc, Maid of Govan.’ Mary, meanwhile, is considering having an affair with one of her cleaning clients but while she is about to get her fingers burnt, Rab is about to get his everything burnt. Empathising with the dignity and seriousness of Rab’s protest, Jamesie organizes ‘Rab of Arc’ mugs and teeshirts and even some cheerleaders to dance and whoop as Rab goes up in flames. In the end Rab is saved when it becomes a case of ‘the jakey’s not for burning’, Mary’s new flame finds his ardour savagely snuffed out and the Drop-In Centre is fired up again by money from a most unlikely source.

It’s every grandfather’s dream to be chosen by his granddaughter as a role model for her class at school but for Rab it becomes a nightmare. He finds out that Peaches’ teacher (Isy Suttie, Peep Show) is an alcoholic and a member of his self help group. This means the teacher knows that he too likes more than the odd tipple. How can he live up to expectations? At 60 Jamesie too is struggling to live up to his own personal expectations - of staying forever young. At his birthday party he dyes his hair, gets a ponytail and insists on having large helpings of jelly. He then drags a reluctant Rab out on the ran-dan but Jamesie denies him entry to the pub. Instead he takes him to a new business venture which is providing a much needed service to the more mature residents of Govan – a crack den for the over sixties. At Peaches school the next day Rab arrives to find the Headmaster (Iain Connell, Burnistoun) sacking her teacher for being an alcoholic. This leads Rab to give some genuinely striking advice which the pupils snap up much to the Head’s distress.

The new Minister at Rab’s church arrives with two serious drawbacks for a Govan Minister – she’s female and English. Worse still she arrives just as Rab’s Christianity has been severely tested. He’s been led into temptation by coveting his best pal’s bottle of tonic wine. At the first service they don’t make a good impression on one another with the Minister trying to stand up for Christian values and Rab simply trying to stand up. The forgiving Minister welcomes Rab back as long as he spends the next three Sundays sitting on ‘the cutty stool’. Rab refuses and ,after a night of drunken revelry, falls asleep in a makeshift tent in the church graveyard. In a dream his bad conscience pops up to tempt him into another drink, Rab appeals to his good conscience – only to find it’s ‘gone bad’ and also tries to tempt him back to drink. As Rab comes out of the tent, the Minister comes out of the closet, and both find themselves ostracized by the unforgiving traditionalists in the congregation. Felicity Montagu (I’m Alan Partridge) stars as the Minister while rock and pop icon Shane McGowan makes a surprise appearance as Rab’s ‘good conscience gone bad.’