Enlightenment for Nitwits
The Complete Guide to 2012 & Beyond!
This book is available for download with iBooks on your Mac or iOS device, and with iTunes on your computer. Books can be read with iBooks on your Mac or iOS device.
This is perhaps the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection, designed to appeal to Oprah and Dave Barry fans as well as those with more esoteric interests. In a style reminiscent of comedian Steven Wright, it’s full of wry one-liners along with longer, hilariously mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects, tied together by the idea of clueless humans trying to find enlightenment. It will be a great gift for anyone who loves to laugh, timed to take advantage of worldwide anticipation of 2012, the legendary end of the Mayan calendar, which is a recurring theme in the book.
Topics include: Announcement from the Mayan Calendar Committee, Preface: Why This Is Not a Weird Book, My Experience of "The Secret," Therapy, Earth Changes & California, My Toilet Runneth Over, A Lesson in Impatience, Popular Mechanics, Breatharians & Sun Gazers, My Native American Roots, Everything New is Old Again, Bed Death & Beyond, Outsourcing & UFOs, This Just in from God:, The Other Side, It’s Not Easy Being An Old Soul, The Tao Travel Agency, Politics & Naked Shopping, Soul Mates?, Lipstick on a Pig, Poetry Slammed, Potty Training Your Inner Child, Self-Confidence for Total Losers, and Do-It-Yourself Near-Death Experiences.
It features an Afterword by God: "Let There Be Light Already!"
Expertly designed insight and out, each of its forty-five short chapters is introduced with a funny blurb and photograph that illustrates it. It is a book readers will keep handy to savor whenever they need an infusion of joy.
NOW YOU CAN ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT WITHOUT DOING ABSOLUTELY ANY WORK ON YOURSELF WHATSOEVER!
“Funniest book in the last two billion years! Frankly, I enjoyed it more than the Bible.”
– God, Creator of the Universe
THE KEYS TO LIFE ARE YOURS FOR THE PRICE OF A CHEAP PAPERBACK!
Many seekers have trod the difficult path to enlightenment, giving up everything and going through hell – Not only is a trip to the Himalayas expensive, but you have to hike through yak poo to remote villages with no Wi-Fi.
Now you can reach the highest states of consciousness possible to humanity without missing a single text message. And even Walmart couldn’t beat the price if it hired all the sadhus in India to toil in sweatshops for ten cents an hour to bring you the secrets of the Universe. This book is everything you need to ascend into the stratosphere of spiritual mastery!
MORE ACCLAIM FOR ENLIGHTENMENT FOR NITWITS
“Heck of a job, Hoodie! Of course, I didn’t need this book because I was already enlightened, but I’m sure it will help a lot of other people.”
– GEORGE W. BUSH, former owner, Texas Rangers
“Thousands of candles can be lit from this single book. But read it first.”
– THE BUDDHA, inventor of enlightenment
“Wickedly funny. Something to offend everyone!”
– SATAN, Prince of Darkness and leading cable news producer
“We are not amused. However, Prince Harry laughed his arse off.”
– Her Royal Majesty QUEEN ELIZABETH II