By Ettin News
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What if Dear Abby and Dear Prudence were a giant two headed monster?" We (Violet & Petunia, the ettin) answer questions and give advice on topics such as: "What exactly constitutes a town, and why exactly does that not enclude basically anything monster owned and operated?" "What are your thoughts on necromancy as a renewable source of minions?" "Is that screaming coming from *my* basement?" Other points include: The bias inherent in non-monster produced bestiaries. Bridging the gaps between adventurers and monsters, in the hopes of curbing some of the more reckless murder. The best way to cook via murder hole.
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 8: Hello From The Regular Tavern||Violet and Petunia are live on location at Rosie's Incantina tavern, happy to be among the people. Except Violet. Violet would rather be home, where ...||5/11/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 7: The Regular One||Heheheeeey, we're just going to do a regular talk this time, just like normal. Just answerin' questions, free from any unnecessary... others. Also Violet and ...||4/27/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 6: Dragon On||What a delightul visit we've just had from OUr FiERy OvErLOrd. Pity he had to leave in such a hurry. Learn how not to court ...||4/10/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 5: A Bone to Pick||A visit from a dragon, Petunia's special project, and Violet describes some of the new accessibility features of CoolDad Memorial Magic School.||3/24/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 4: Smolder and Wiser||Violet gives Petunia a generous and mandatory present. Also, lots of bad, burning letters.||3/12/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 3: Ring Around the Violet||A pocket full of... violence? (We try). Violet has discovered a way to fit more into a day, and Petunia reflects on a possible (and ...||2/24/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 2: It was the best of times, it was the Valentimes||Mysterious and doily-shaped messages have appeared at The Keep. What horrid, dark forces are behind these saccharine greetings from some other plane of existence? Gross.||2/9/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitSeason 2 Episode 1: Dearth and Taxes||Its been a cruel, cruel summer, and now that winter is here, Violet and Petunia are ready to get back into the swing of things. ...||1/26/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 16: THE ALLDADDY||Petunia decodes the Odingram and learns something about her own, ahem, proclivities. Violet also learns something important about herself, and the sisters look forward to ...||7/14/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 15: Brownie Points||The ladies are coming to you live from the aftermath of a gory and slightly unexpected battle. I mean, we expected a battle. Just not ...||6/30/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 14: Bake/Off||We could eat a peach muffin for hours, but unfortunately there's no time for that. At the much-anticipated baking competition, Petunia stumbled onto a disturbing ...||6/16/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 13: To Halve and to Halve Not||Please excuse us, we're a little... out of sync. You might say we are twice the Ettin we once were. Violet is enjoying it, Petunia ...||6/2/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 12: “Cross”-Training||Get it? Because Violet is cross, and Petunia's training to read letters in her stead? Don't judge me.||5/19/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 11: The Dark’s Tower||How can Nestor fix the drywall on his damaged tower? After his latest scathing letter, we're not sure Violet cares. Also, Missing Monster Watch; and who ...||5/5/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 10: Matters of the Heart(less)||Lots of questions about love today. Nestor crosses a line. Also, it sure is difficult sometimes for an enhanced Ettin to have wildly different, eh, ...||4/21/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 9: Back to Bake-sics||Petunia's been montage-ing Violet through rigorous baking training in anticipation of the bake-off. Half-dad is found. Whatever. Also, some good advice about Vorpal bunnies.||4/7/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 8: Gratitude, Or Whatever||Violet reads a *cough* heartfelt letter of thanks to the one who helped us out of our, er, predicament. Petunia gets back to us with ...||3/24/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 7: MAGIC BAD FLOWER DUMB||Petunia blushes at a letter from Asgard. The ladies discuss the ethical implications of magically enhanced items and OH NO||3/10/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitBusted Bestiary 1: Manticores||A reading and analysis of the Guide to Monsters and its slanderous take on our good friend Susanna- we mean, Manticores.||3/3/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 6: Finger Guns||Violet and Petunia can do finger guns now that Violet's arm is back to normal! Aren't you pleased?! Also, how is Tragrok handling empty nest ...||2/24/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 5: *Ssspluk!*||That's the sound Violet's new, magically enhanced arm makes now. Don't worry about it. Also, some mysterious news about one of Petunia's cooking buddies.||2/10/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 4: Please Use Protection||Has someone been looking out for Violet as she continues her self-taught magic studies? Also, Violet plans a brilliant marketing scheme and Petunia gets invited ...||1/24/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 3: Baby Bloodwraith||Violet and Petunia got a kitten! All shall tremble beneath its widdow paws. Also, they remind adventurers to check their entitlement, and receive a thinly ...||1/9/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 2: Goddamnit, Karen||Violet accidentally unearths Petunia's insecurities re: baking competition, and the Sisters congratulate a party on their new, annoying, goblin servant.||1/9/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitEpisode 1: Enter The Vapeghast||Fresh from the smart pot, Ettin Violet and Petunia use their newfound intellect to answer questions about Faerun life, and discuss Violet's nemesis.||1/9/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
Finally, a voice for all us monsters! Violet and Petunia are an ettin on a mission. What that mission is...I'm not exactly sure, but it comes with a sprinkle of humor, vicera, and cooking suggestions. Definitely give these guys a listen!
They say two heads are better than one. In this case (whoever they are), they're definitely right. The basic structure of the show is a lot of fun. You've got a two-headed giant (an ettin) dispensing life advice, reading announcements about the fictional town where they live, and generally discussing what life is like for the monster community in their fantasy setting.
Some of the stories/questions/announcements/topics are written by the hosts to set the tone of the world in which Violet and Petunia live, including several bits that develop over time. For instance, there's Karen, the pretentious passive aggressive Brownie (like, the fey, not the dessert) baker. Though she does bake desserts. Or Nestor, the wizard who was a total jerk to Violet and with whom Petunia TOTALLY doesn't hang out.
But many of the topics are user submissions, in the style of newspaper announcements or Dear Abby advice questions, obituaries, etc. Submit questions about how to date a werewolf, dragon fashion, speciesism, or what seasonings to use on delicious goblin meat. Many of the questions and stories are posed from the point of view of monsters and/or the adventurers that hunt them down in a typical Dungeons & Dragons-style universe.
There's nothing quite as satisfying as hearing a story or question you've personally submitted get ripped to shreds, made fun of, and thoughtfully and insightfully considered on air by a two-headed giant.
Filling a longstanding need!
Violet and Petunia are doing such a wonderful job bridging the gap between adventurers and monsters, a longstanding need that has led to many senseless, untimely deaths. Mostly on the monster side! I really feel like Violet and Petunia opening up about their lives is setting up a great opportunity for adventurers and monsters to have open communication. Before listening to them I didn't realize Ettins loved to bake, too. Also, ugh, Karen.
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