Love, Lust, and Laughter Progressive Radio Network

A Tribute to Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution with Veronica Vera
 
Diana Wiley and Veronica Vera were each longtime, close friends of Candida Royalle, a pioneer in producing female-friendly pornographic films. Both women were interviewed by Jane Kamensky, former professor of history at Havard and director of the Elizabeth Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America, for her recently released biography: Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution – A History from Below.
 
The book is a sympathetic, clear-eyed profile of a woman who made female pleasure her business by starting her own production company, Femme Productions, in 1984.  Royalle (Candice Vadala, 1950-2015) prioritized women’s pleasure and orgasm in her films, while featuring a variety of sensual and sexual play.  She wasn’t interested in making the same, old, typical, boring, (male-focused) pornography.  
 
Veronica Vera (www.veronicaverawrites.com) wrote the column “Veronica Vera’s New York” that ran from 1985-1993. Veronica chronicled the sex world of which Candice was a star player. Veronica also founded CLUB 90, the first porn star support group with Candida Royalle, Veronica Hart, Gloria Leonard, and Annie Sprinkle. Fast forward to 2015, Veronica was the executor for Candice’s estate, and was instrumental in getting her archive of diaries, journals, and photos to Dr. Kamensky. Veronica knew Candice for about 35 years and loved her dearly.
 
Diana knew Candice for 28 years and also loved her deeply. They met at a sexology conference. Diana’s first impression was that of a radiant woman with a smile that said, “I love life, live it to the fullest, and adore adventures!” Yes, both women were open to adventures! They recognized that immediately as well as their sexual openness. Diana confessed, “My favorite thing is to go where I’ve never been. There is a scintillating thrill in new adventures!” She thought of herself as a girl of sparkle, shimmer, and shine – at least one in progress. That attitude played out when she worked as a showgirl in Miami Beach in the 70s (this job followed teaching school in Honolulu).
 
Chapter 25 of the book, “Sex in the 90s,” opens with a photo of Candice and Diana (page 351), who were about to go on the Jenny Jones TV talk show.  The topic: Candida’s explicit erotic films for couples to watch and how Diana used them in her therapeutic practice. Later, they envisioned “Case Studies: An Educational Line for Femme Films.”  They proposed a first volume on sex and aging, a research specialty of Wiley’s and a huge potential market.
 
One fan, a woman whose marriage benefited from watching Candida’s films, called her the Grace Kelly of Porn – a sophisticated and beautiful woman of incredible integrity, big enough to allow others to shine.
 
Candice’s quest for self-understanding as the center of a life well lived is evident in a 2013 journal: “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.”
 
Tune in for a fascinating podcast! And buy Jane Kamensky’s book … you’ll find yourself rooting for Candice Vadala!

Technology Changes Sex Education – What Parents Need to Know to Talk to Their Teens
 
Dr. Diana Wiley interviewed her amazing colleague Dr. Debby Herbenick, Provost Professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Dr. Debby has just published her sixth book: Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex. She is widely considered one of the country’s most credible sources of accurate scientific information when it comes to sexuality.
 
How did she come to write this book? As a sex researcher and educator, she knew parents needed sex education—in an updated version. So much has changed because of internet access. Also changed are the ways that teenagers and young adults are having sex. There are changing sexual norms. As a mom, Dr. Debby was compelled to write Yes, Your Kid.
 
It’s important to be an askable parent, a parent who is warm, approachable, and supportive. Often with religious/church influences, the parents themselves grow up in a culture of sexual shame and guilt. Silence is a message, too. Dr. Debby offers parents guides to opening up conversations with their children. The book offers good strategies for parents.
 
We talked about “The Rise of Rough Sex” (Chapter 7). Dr. Debby’s research has shown a rise in rough sex and even choking among teens. Forty percent of women ages 18 to 29 have been choked during sex. Choking is a form of strangulation; obviously, there are risks—even death, although rare. It everywhere now, even globally. It’s in mainstream pornography. It’s in lots of TikTok videos.
 
Parents, when confronted with this information will yell, “No Way!” Dr. Debby’s extensive research says, “Yes, it’s happening.”
 
Parents can step into conversations about rough sex, but also about consent, using condoms, and communication. Pleasure also needs to be considered. Who can enjoy getting it on with a lover who ignores the real risks of pregnancy and STIs? Feeling safe is crucial to the deep relaxation necessary for erotic pleasure!
 
To quote Debby Herbenick, PhD: “Let your teen know that you want them to have fulfilling relationships in life—and that may include sex if they want. Be that resource and safety net for them.”
 

ANDROPAUSE, sometimes called MALE MENOPAUSE
 
Though the potency crisis that hits many men in middle age has some obvious causes – age, alcohol, stress – the decline is hormonal and psychological as well. Men often won’t discuss it with their doctors, their wives, or their lovers.
 
Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com), heading up The Buehler Institute, joined the program once again. When men and women face the same passages with different needs and directions, how does the partnership survive? Dr. Stephanie and Dr. Diana talked about it all!  Women go through the process of menopause in different ways, but it’s almost a universal experience. Men are all different.
 
Often there are existential issues. For example: Does my life have meaning? What parts of myself have been neglected that I am now free to live out? Do I matter? The denial of aging can show up in a man’s embracing symbols of success and vitality. It may also contribute to men avoiding seeking help when they experience sexual issues as they age.
 
Women are often concerned about their partners. One of Dr. Diana’s clients said, “I have some menopausal symptoms – but the main problem is that my husband has more! He’s 52, withdrawn, moody, and angry that he’s aging and losing his hair. Also, he just doesn’t get aroused anymore. And I got tired of things not happening when I tried to get sex started. I always thought it was me. I stopped trying because I thought it was embarrassing to him.” These are not uncommon complaints from female partners.
 
The two sex therapists discussed typical psychological problems such as lethargy, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, and an overall lessening of a sense of well-being. As men move into their 50s and 60s, they may have intermittent problems in gaining and sustaining erections. They may also feel some slackening of sexual desire. And unless a man is in a good relationship with a supportive partner, the shock of all these changes can bring on a powerful psychological crisis, which can actually frighten a man into erectile dysfunction (E.D.). Still, they don’t talk about it. Men may have integrated this idea: “Your job as a male is to be strong.”
 
It’s important to underscore that there is a robust population of older men who survive this potential crisis with their egos and erectile abilities intact. In one large study, forty percent of these healthy males remained completely potent at age 70. A man’s general physical health picture is significant. Organic factors contribute to E.D. in up to 80 percent of men.
Of all the causes for erectile dysfunction, the most common is impairment of the blood supply to the penis. This results in many males who won’t even try to have sex!  
 
Dr. Stephanie points out that some female partners are not helpful, heaving insults like, “What’s wrong with you?”
 
Once again, USE IT or LOSE IT comes into play. And it requires a trusted partner, and some self-discipline around drinking, eating, exercise, and preventive health measures.
Many men have emotional connection problems. They didn’t get training in this; rather, they got performance training. Dr. Stephanie recalls Dr. Steve Braverman asking, “Does a man have to have a hard penis in order for sex to take place?”  As a man gets older, and feels less secure sexually, intimacy and trust with his partner become critical.
 
The two sex therapists also talked about alcohol, diet, and stress. The chronic use of alcohol can murder potency. Urologists report that when looking at the tissue from patients with chronic alcoholism, the nerve is killed inside the penis. Tom Lue, an internationally known expert on the treatment of male sexual dysfunction, notes “It’s almost impossible to revive. Usually, it takes 10 or 15 years of chronic heavy alcohol use to kill the nerve.”
 
In 1995 Dr. Diana spoke about aging and sexuality at a Washington, D.C. confere

The Scariest Halloween Goblin: Many young men get their sex education from porn!
 
Dr. Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th Edition, is seriously concerned about how porn affects young men. A great deal of sexual misery stems from mistaken beliefs! There is very little competent sex education to help.
 
Dr Paul, realizing that many young men, teenagers included, are compulsive about video gaming, developed the website Real Dude Radio to reach this audience with accurate information about sex. This works because young people consume information differently, conditioned by the video gaming industry and porn. They need help with the distortions of pornography.
 
Real Dude Radio is very enlightening!
For example check out “The Ultimate Guide to the Clitoris.” A woman needs to get the brain and the body on the same page! This guide is clear and practical.
You’ll also find “Sex in Porn vs Real Life.” Yes, porn is entertainment, NOT sex education.
Or check out “Fap Not – M********e Madness,” which is an answer to people who think there’s something bad about masturbation. It’s a funny parody! “There’s never been a single credible study that shows that masturbation is harmful to either men or women.”
 
Dr. Paul is also concerned with sextortion where young men are getting blackmailed for their dick pics that also reveal their face. See this recent article in the Washington Post: ‘IDK what to do’: Thousands of teen boys are being extorted in sexting scams
 
Listening to this podcast episode will enlighten and entertain you!

Sexual Communication Improves As We Get Older
 
Dr. Stephanie Buehler joins Dr. Diana in a conversation about sexual communication; later, the sex docs speak about menopause. Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com) is a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor. She is the author of several books on sexuality and relationships. Dr. Stephanie notes how important it is for the aging person to acknowledge and cope with changes. What doesn’t change is the solution: Couples need to figure out their sexual needs and wants and communicate them (and perhaps put down their phones for a while!). Conversation, it seems, is the most powerful type of foreplay. Talk to each other about sex. What do you want to feel? Desired, young, and alive?  Or?  Then you have to decide if you’re willing to put in the work. Practice, practice! Gourmet sex is like gourmet cooking. They don’t happen without focus.
 
Dr. Buehler points out that before having a hard conversation with a loved one, it’s important to identify what you want to say. Perhaps it is, “I am sad and what I need from you is extra affection.” Have empathy for your partner. On the other side is contempt, a dangerous feeling.
 
We have to adapt to changes as we age. Good sex needs re-imaging, expansion! Outercourse is wonderful because there’s no goal … you can just enjoy the feelings. The man doesn’t have to worry about his erection because there is no penetration. Partners can get out of their brains and into their bodies!
 
Connection rules. In the heat of an argument, many people have trouble reaching out. Remember, hurt underlies anger. Couples have to decide that the relationship is more important than all those things they do that annoy each other. Positive reinforcement instead of criticizing always wins!
 
Dr. Stephanie observes that in some Asian cultures where aging is revered, women don’t have as negative an experience with menopause. Older women are seen as wise and are protectors. Many menopausal women say emphatically “This is my time!” She was a good girl, a good wife and a good parent. She’s done for everyone, and now she is going to take care of herself. Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy, BHRT, can provide the missing hormones resulting from menopause. Please listen to the podcast for all the details!

Is the “Barbie” Movie Layered with Subversive Messages?
 
Nicole McNichols, PhD – The Sex Professor – www.nicolethesexprofessor.com – joins Dr. Diana to review the movie “Barbie.” They explored layered themes, including body image, appearances, perfectionism, and shame.
 
It’s not surprising that for the past 64 years, Barbie has been at the center of debates about who women are, who they should be, how they look, and what they want. The “Barbie” movie reveals many answers!
 
Body Image/Appearances – Dr. Nicole and Dr. Diana discussed how a woman’s image of her body affects her sexuality – and her relationship with her partner. There is “spectatoring” – looking at yourself with a critical eye during sex, preventing mindfulness. Sensate Focus exercises promote touching, massaging – helping a couple discover new erogenous zones for pleasure beyond PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex. What to do about a poor body image? Cultivate the ability to appreciate your uniqueness. When you start to appreciate your imperfections as endearing distinctions, you will have begun to love yourself in a way that allows you to love others. Regardless, the idea of a perfect body is fiction. None of us have perfect bodies. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment!
 
Perfectionism – Eventually, Barbie was able to embrace herself, her vulnerability, her authenticity. Dr. Nicole proclaims: Real is the new perfect!
 
Shame – Sometimes called the “master emotion,” it is the feeling that we’re not worthy, competent, or good. Shame on you if you fail, so don’t try. There is not much room for growth.
 
Barbie and Ken both experience personal growth. Barbie deals with sexism and experiences the power of female confidence and collaboration. Ken deals with patriarchy and perils of toxic masculinity and entitlement.
 
Dr. Nicole McNichols is a Sex Professor with about 4,000 students a year attending her class at the University of Washington. There’s a reason she’s so popular … Her sex-positive messages are delivered with vitality, enthusiasm, humor and intelligence!  Dr. Nicole has a blog on Psychology Today, and you can see her great posts on Instagram and TikTok.
 
Stay tuned!  She’ll be back for a Part 2.