By Shawn McBee
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Some jerks read screenplays that never made it to the big screen. Some of these screenplays were works by these two and some are professional works that just never made it. The one unifying characteristic of all of these scripts is that they're BAD. As such, this podcast is about more than just reading scripts, these two brave microphone jockeys also tirelessly mock the things they read, often with the help of their friends.
||Explicit65 - Six Million Dollar Man, Part 6||After taking an extended hiatus to completely overhaul our lives, the studio and the show, TABLE READS IS BACK! We left you hanging in the middle of Kevin Smith's utter masterpiece *cough* The Six Million Dollar Man, so we have picked up right where...||2/18/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit64: Six Million Dollar Man, Part 5||Having faced off against the mysterious Klatch, Steve confronts the Old Man and learns the origins of Project Six Million, as well as the limits of his freedom. Needless to say, there's a lot that doesn't make sense. That's where we come in. Oh, no,...||10/3/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean63: The Six Million Dollar Man, Part 4||Alright, we're back again for another read of this marvelous script! People die, secrets are exposed, and Cliche? Yea, there's lots of that too. SUBSCRIBE TO THIS THING. And check out RogueIntel.com for other great podcasts. And remember: Whe||9/25/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean62: The Six Million Dollar Man, Part 3||Who'd believe that we're finally getting to the "Good" (Finger Quotes) part of the script...you know, the part where Steve Austin actually gets to enjoy his new body! Steve has a little fun, gets into a tight spot...and not unlike any other action...||9/18/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean61: The Six Million Dollar Man, Part 2||Following the not-at-all-seen-from-a-million-miles-away tragic crash of Col. Steve Austin, he wakes to find himself a little the worse for wear, much in the same way that Anakin Skywalker was a little the worse for wear after his fight with Obi Wan on..||9/11/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean60: Six Million Dollar Man, Part 1||Meet Steve Austin, the non-wrestlingest test pilot in the world! And he know's his fiancee! (They've spent some time together). How does he fit with robot-crushing, data-downloading ninjas? Um. Okay, you don't find that out in this part. Sorry. BUT...||8/29/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit59: James Cameron's Spider-Man, Part 5 (Finale!)||This is the moment you've all been waiting for: the end of the stupid James Cameron Spider-Man script from hell! It's been a long, strange trip down megalomania lane with "Professor" Octopus, A.K.A. "The Real Spider-Man" and everyone's favorite...||8/1/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit58: James Cameron's Spider-Man, Part 4||In this, the penultimate part of James Cameron's Spider-Man, Spidey proves himself SO BAD at maintaining his secret identity that even with a full face mask, his disguise is less convincing than Clark Kent's glasses. Beyond that, Liz and Aunt May...||7/25/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit57: James Cameron's Spider-Man, Part 3||As Halloween comes about at Empire State University, find out what the hot costumes are this year (1993)! Learn about J. Jonah Jameson's amazing photo reconstruction powers! Find out just how little protection a cinched robe offers against gunshots!...||7/17/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit56: James Cameron's Spider-Man, Part 2||Picking up after Prof. Octavius' totally preventable lab accident, things kick into top gear as Peter finds himself tussling with the same spider that gave Ock so much grief and quickly discovering that he is a wrestler. Meanwhile, Doc Ock is in the.||7/10/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit55: James Cameron's Spider-Man, Part 1||In 1993, James Cameron took a pretty decent script for a Spider-Man film, gave it his magic touch and then turned in one of the worst scripts ever written! In this first part, we meet a demented college professor obsessed with destroying the...||7/3/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit54: Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, Part 5 (FINALE)||It's an action-packed finale as Roger, Jessica, Richie and a calvacade of Toons take on the Nazis and try to save the Allied leaders from a nefarious plot! Will we win the war? Will Roger and Jessica live happily ever after? Will Roger ever find his...||6/26/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit53: Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, Part 4||In part 4 of the too-good-not-to-have-been-made Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, our brave, ink-based heroes (and their human friends) are fully engaged in war against the Nazis, fighting for love, and up against a nefarious plot to kill the leaders of...||6/20/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit52: Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, Part 3||The 52nd Episode of Table Reads marks one full year of content on our show! (Please ignore how long it took to make it to one year... time is relative). This Anniversary episode, we see Roger Rabbit, his friends, and all the other Toons from...||6/13/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit51: Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, Part 2||Continuing onto part two of the not-at-all-terrible-but-inappropriately-named Roger Rabbit prequel, Roger Rabbit 2, Roger and Richie become roommates and jump into the bustling Hollywood dating pool. There are acting auditions, chases involving angry...||5/30/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit50: Roger Rabbit 2: Toon Patrol, Part 1||In honor of Table Reads reaching 50 episodes, we have a special treat that breaks tradition: A legitimately GOOD script! That's right, the aborted prequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, it turns out, is a genuinely good, fun read. But it's our special.||5/23/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit49 - The Crow 3, part 6 (Finale)||It's the shocking finale of The Crow 3: Resurrection (of the 80s)! That's right, the late-90s homage to the best of 80s Cop Action Flicks Wrapped in a Crow Premise finally wraps up as we discover the secret of the bad guy's plot, establish The Crow in..||5/15/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit48 - The Crow 3, Part 5||Kato and his partner Sarah are finally reunited, but Kato is promptly taken away by men in white coats because no one believes that he's part of a secret government agency under the direct purview of the president. Also, Lacking a Danny or a Kelly...||5/8/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit47 - The Crow 3, Part 4||We're a little late posting this morning because, while everyone was worried about a writer's strike causing a stoppage of quality content, WE were up all night following the news because we were worried we'd lose the awful garbage that keeps us...||5/2/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit46 - The Crow 3, part 3||The Crow 3: Die Hard and then Come Back for Revenge continues onto part three! Kato, still in a drooly, catatonic state, drools some more! The bad guys have a bad drug and a mysterious creature in a mysterious box! There are JUNKIES! And a mean...||4/24/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit45 - The Crow 3, part 2||In honor of Easter, which was mere days ago, we continue reading The Crow 3: Resurrection (because, get it, Easter... Resurrection..?)! In Part 2, things pick up! There's more than one scene, for one thing... That's right, there are wedding bells,...||4/18/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit44 - The Crow 3, part 1||Happy Tuesday, Read Freaks! Today, we're bringing you part one of a new Feature; The Crow 3: Resurrection, written by the very same guy that wrote such 80s classics as 48 Hours and Die Hard... Yes, DIE HARD. And, as if to prove he had written those.||4/11/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit43 - A Sweet Kid, Part 2||We pick up with our drug dealer with a heart of gold and his mystery woman after they've gone back to her place for some... wine. We conclude Jericho's tale and move on to talking about the origins of the project and what would have come next, before..||4/4/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit42 - A Sweet Kid, Part 1||Taking a break from pop culture's greatest mis-fires, the gang turns to their own oeuvre, picking a script written by Jimie, based on an idea by him and Shawn. It centers on the kind of likable drug dealer that idiot screenwriters think exist....||3/28/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit41 - E.T. 2: Nocturnal Fears!||Remember the light-hearted wonder of 1982's E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial? Apparently, Stephen Spielberg didn't when, that same year, he wrote a 9 page outline for a sequel, rife with child torture, alien abduction and overtones of intergalactic race...||3/21/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit40 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 8 (FINALE)||It's been a long road, but we've finally reached the end. Welcome to the last installment of our reading of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian! As Beetlejuice's "Juicifer" rampage continues, Lydia, along with the Beatniks (ugh), the Deetzes and Otho try to...||3/14/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit39 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 7||THIS IS IT! The moment you've all been waiting for! The PENULTIMATE installment of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian! Okay, I know you're really waiting for it to be f*****g over, but this is the only way I can get through this, so let me have it, okay? ON...||3/7/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit38 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian Part 6||Welcome back to the Deetz Paradise Resort, where you'll find more than your typical allotment of beachgoing beatniks, fuckable cacti, and culturally ambiguous hawaiian witch doctors! This week, we tackle part 6 of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian by...||2/28/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean37 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian Part 5||Trevor, Shawn and Kelly resume reading of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, in which Jonathan Gems continues to prove how little he understands any of these characters, their motivations, the basic idea of the whole concept or even the art of screenwriting. .||2/21/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean36 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 4||It’s time to check back in with the Ghost With the Most™ as he once again is hired to perform a Bio-Exorcism of the Deetz family… but this time in Hawaii! It’s sure to be a fun— I’m lying. It’s awful. Just awful. Come join us in mocking t||2/14/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean35 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 3||This week on Table Reads, we continue our very-serious and respectful read of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian with the gravitas it truly deserves. As Lydia struggles to overcome the burden of her tedious family, she makes friends with some beatniks,...||2/7/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean34 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 2||The Ghost with the Most is Back! …ish. Join us for Part 2 of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian and learn what happens when the baddest Bio-exprcist to ever tame a sand worm visits a tropical paradise! That is, if the script can move the story along that..||1/31/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean33 - Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Part 1||Okay, we promised you a new original script this week, but things didn’t work out with scheduling. So, instead, we bring you one we have been ITCHING to do! That’s right, the never-to-be sequel: Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian! Really, the title says it.||1/25/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean32 - Streets of Amber SPEED READ!||The last Speed Read for a while (barring some unforeseen issue), we present to you what would have been a touching and thought-proving piece of drivel, had it ever been completed. This is another unfinished script by Shawn, who once again proves that...||1/17/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean31 - Speaking of Quinn SPEED READ!||As we work diligently to get more full episodes ready for your voracious consumption, this week we’re bringing you another Speed Read… this time, it’s a script written by Shawn. Rather, it’s a script that Shawn got an entire PAGE into before...||1/10/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean30 - H20 SPEED READ||Happy 2017, everyone! We’re still off for the holidays, so we have a Speed Read for you: A shorter script that comes in shorter than our usual episoides, just to remind you that we exist! This script is called H20, sort for Hollywood 20, the movie...||1/3/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean29 - Ocean Child||Trevor and Shawn are out of town for the Holidays, so we recorded some short subject, quick episodes to tide you over on such occasions that we’re calling Speed Reads. This was to be the first of them, but it ended up coming in at the length of a...||12/27/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean28 - Carnivore FINALE||Hey everyone, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the SHOCKING* conclusion of Carnivore! That’s right, it’s finally time to find out what’s going on with John and the soup kitchen, who’s for dinner and just who the Hell Rex Mundi re||12/20/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean27 - Carnivore Part 4||Welcome to the latest installment of Table Reads for the penultimate reading of Carnivore by the Wachowskis. Here, we see the script’s downward progression in quality and not-suck-itude continue, as… Okay, I don’t remember what happens in this...||12/14/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean26 - Carnivore Part 3||Okay, NOW things are getting good! Which, as you should know by now, means bad. This is the spisode where the script (Carnivore by the Wachowskis) gets pretty ridiculous. It is pretty great fun and we’re glad to have you join us for the fun. With...||12/6/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean25 - Carnivore Part 2||Welcome back to part 2 of Carnivore by the Wachowskis… Part 1 was actually better than anticipated and didn’t leave too much room for mockery. But not to worry, Part 2 improves… by which I mean, worstens. Which is more fun! With special guest Jimi||11/29/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean24 - Carnivore Part 1||It’s a NEW SCRIPT!! This week, we start reading the first, unfulfilled script by The Wachowski Brothers (at the time) Larry and Andy (now Lana and Lilly). The script is called Carnivore and has never been unleashed on the world… until now. Join||11/22/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean23 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 8 (Finale)||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice was re-unleashed on the world this summer, in the form of an even longer pile of garbage, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script...||11/15/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean22 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 7||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice was re-unleashed on the world this summer, in the form of an even longer pile of garbage, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script...||11/8/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean21 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 6||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice was re-unleashed on the world this summer, in the form of an even longer pile of garbage, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script...||11/1/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean20 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 5||10/25/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean19 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 4||YES, I KNOW! It has been MONTHS since part 3! It started as a technical error and then…whatever, it’s here now. And the rest of the episodes for this script are scheduled for every Tuesday, as is proper and right. So you can enjoy the rest...||10/18/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean18 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 3||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice is coming out to own soon, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script from 2002 that was meant for a 2003 release. There are some tiny..||7/19/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean17 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 2||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice is coming out to own soon, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script from 2002 that was meant for a 2003 release. There are some tiny..||7/12/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean16 - Asylum: Batman vs. Superman 2003 Part 1||Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice is coming out to own soon, so the time seems ripe to visit what might have been! To that end, we present Asylum: Batman vs. Superman! This was a script from 2002 that was meant for a 2003 release. There are some tiny..||7/5/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean15 - BTTF First Draft, Finale||Hey, did you know that Back to the Future was originally written in 1981, featured a refrigerator-based time machine, an organ grinder monkey named Shemp and a bonkers ending? It stalled out for a few years before being rewritten as the movie we all...||6/28/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean14 - BTTF First Draft, Part 4||Hey, did you know that Back to the Future was originally written in 1981, featured a refrigerator-based time machine, an organ grinder monkey named Shemp and a bonkers ending? It stalled out for a few years before being rewritten as the movie we all...||6/21/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean13 - BTTF First Draft, Part 3||Hey, did you know that Back to the Future was originally written in 1981, featured a refrigerator-based time machine, an organ grinder monkey named Shemp and a bonkers ending? It stalled out for a few years before being rewritten as the movie we all...||6/14/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean12 - BTTF First Draft, Part 2||6/7/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean11 - Back to the Future First Draft, Part 1||5/31/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanSupplemental - Our new website!||Just a quick update to let you know that we have a new site at tablereadspodcast.com||5/27/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean10 - Ghostbusters, The Next Gen||After taking a prolonged hiatus to wrap up some projects, Table Reads is back with new episodes EVERY TUESDAY. (this one is a day late due to some technical difficulties, but from here on out, you can expect to be able to listen on your Tuesday...||5/25/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean09 - Urban Folktale Part 6||In our teen years, we wrote a short heist film that was later turned into a mopey teen angst NOT-Heist film. THIS is that mopey teen-angst not-heist film. It was the first feature-length screenplay we ever wrote and, guys, it stinks. BUT, this is...||1/11/2016||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean08 - Urban Folktale Part 5||In our teen years, we wrote a short heist film that was later turned into a mopey teen angst NOT-Heist film. THIS is that mopey teen-angst not-heist film. It was the first feature-length screenplay we ever wrote and, guys, it stinks. BUT, this is...||12/21/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean07 - Urban Folktale Part 4||In our teen years, we wrote a short heist film that was later turned into a mopey teen angst NOT-Heist film. THIS is that mopey teen-angst not-heist film. It was the first feature-length screenplay we ever wrote and, guys, it stinks. BUT, this is...||12/15/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean06 - Urban Folktale Part 3||12/6/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean05 - Urban Folktale Part 2||11/25/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean04 - Urban Folktale Part 1||Our last episode was a short heist film that was based on an earlier short heist film that was turned into a mopey teen angst NOT-Heist film. THIS is that mopey teen-angst not-heist film. It was the first feature-length screenplay we ever wrote and,..||11/16/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean03 - Aftermath||For this episode, we jump forward several years to a collaboration we made when we were much more mature and wise in the ways of the world. …Only to remind ourselves that 19 is probably the least enlightened age ever, because you think you’re so dam||11/7/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean02 - Highlander Part 2||It’s part 2 of Highlander: The Immortal Battle Continues! This episode has the backhanded honor of containing what MUST be the worst line of dialogue in the history of mankind. We timed it, and it had us laughing so hard at its terribleness that we...||11/6/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
||Clean01 - Highlander Part 1||For our inaugural edition of Table Reads, we delve all the way back to our earliest collaboration when we were 15 years old: A Highlander Fan Film! And, yes, it is JUST as cringingly bad as you think it is! The script is only 16 pages long, but there...||11/5/2015||Free||View in iTunes|
It is seriously very poorly done
The concept is great: Read bad/unmade film scripts in a table read format. This would be amazing if the people doing it had a modicum of talent, wit, or just were slightly entertaining even.
Do not get me wrong... it is fun to listen to the lines of the terrible James Cameron script. I powered through several episodes, giving these guys a chance because I love the concept so much. But it is just not good.
The main host (Shawn or Sean?) has a voice *not* for radio, so to speak. It is hard to listen to, especially with how pompous, and irritable he is toward others (mostly the co-host Patrick). He is constantly going between giving orders, ridiculing people, and screeching in his high tone voice at times...
One of the main points of this podcast is to insult the script (assuming its a bad one). But his jabs are subpar at best, and he seems to be lost for words quite often on a rant. It is basically a series of someone trying to make a point, but forgetting halfway through and just ending with a "ya know what i mean?".
Patrick has a perfect voice for the medium. It is easy to listen to, and smooth. Yet Patrick is often belching into the microphone, snorting, and breathing heavily. They both can be expected to make slurping, and other wet mouth sounds which normally are a major NO in radio-like formats.
To make matters worse, they often make racial jokes. Two (middle aged?) white men that believe they have the proper "cred" to make racial jokes when they absolutely hold no cred at all. They also have a love for gay jokes. It is as if they are two 12 year olds that were granted a wish to be "Big" but decided to squander the gift with a poorly made podcast.
It continues to get worse. They are awful at reading scripts. Sean, who rarely misses a chance to insult Patrick, will attack Patrick for his poor direction reading... yet Sean is as terrible as he is. Sean is awful at voicing characters as well. Patrick actually has interesting voices, and inflections that make the characters sound entertaining. Sean has 0 ability in this regard, yet treats Patrick as if he were the "dumb sidekick".
They seem to have known each other since High School or before. It seems this is how their relationship has always been, and Patrick has resigned to the fact. Patrick apparently quit the show, and maybe it is just a schedule conflict of some sort, but honestly I would not be surprised if he quit because this Sean person is a complete jerk, whose eye-roll inducing terrible sense of humor, and lack of wit, knows no bounds.
Just to be clear... I wanted to like this. I listened to many, many episodes, and when I first listened, I did like it more. But the more I listen, the more insulting it is.
Seriously, so much fun!!