The Life Toyetic with Ben and Molly
By Molly Alice Hoy & Ben Paddon
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What's the fastest way to launch toys off of shelves and into the hands of eager, impressionable young consumers? Turning your toy franchise into a major motion picture, of course! Join Ben Paddon and Molly Alice Hoy as they boldly venture into the realm of "toyetic" cinema -- movies that were conceived and produced solely to promote toys -- and subject these glorified, feature-length commercials to a level of critical analysis that they were never intended to withstand.
||Explicit#41 – Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (2004) – The Irish Cougher||In this special birthday episode, Molly grants Ben honorary status as both an American and a girl so that he might fully appreciate Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (2004). Ben gets a hankering for some trail mix.||3/19/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#40 – Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus (2005) – A Measure of Bees||Ben and Molly don their 3-D glasses and step into the low-poly world of the extremely cursed Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus (2005). Ben struggles with an embarrassing plosive problem. Molly finally has an excuse to trot out her encyclopedic figure ska.||3/12/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#39 – The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019) – Fifteen Little Goblins||In this infectious episode, Ben and Molly take a field trip to an actual movie theatre to watch The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019). Ben finds a new hobby in hands-free bowling. Molly does well to eke out a few words between coughing fits.||2/19/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#38 – Wreck-It Ralph (2012) – Kink Andy’s Sex Fungeon||After suffering through a string of terrible films, Ben and Molly indulge in some cinematic comfort food with Wreck-It Ralph (2012). Ben has a productive therapy session. Molly learns the unsettling truth about a popular Rihanna song.||2/5/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#37 – G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) – Gastrointestinal Joseph||Ben and Molly go looking for a fun action adventure in GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009), but instead spend several hours haplessly flailing in a cesspool of toxic masculinity. Ben struggles to process a deep and personal betrayal.||1/22/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||ExplicitA Schedule Change||We’re temporarily shifting the podcast to a biweekly/fortnightly schedule for the time being. This is so we can accommodate other projects and commitments we have. We don’t plan for the change to be permanent,||1/15/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#36 – Bratz (2007) – Free to Cleek||Despite their best efforts, Ben and Molly barely manage to skim the surface of the fathomless cinematic abomination Bratz (2007). Ben yearns for a simpler time when he could wake up from his nightmares. Molly finds comfort in an unexpected familiar face||1/8/2019||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#35 – Barbie in ‘A Christmas Carol’ (2008) – Conically Gay||Ben and Molly call in a Christmas miracle in order to stay awake through Barbie in ‘A Christmas Carol’ (2008). Ben dreams of penning the next Barbie movie script. Molly seizes on a lucrative merchandising opportunity.||12/25/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#34 – Home Alone 2: Lost in New York – Pour One Out For Gumbo||Ben and Molly dig too deep into Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) and inadvertently unearth a dark secret about the McAllister family. Ben hardens his heart in order to withstand graphic depictions of human suffering. Molly holds an impromptu seance||12/18/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#33 – He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985) – Monstrous Hemorrhoids||Ben and Molly need some cream after straining through He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985). Ben considers taking the show in an exciting new direction. Molly grapples with the ethics of converting aliens to Christianity.||12/11/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#32 – Power Rangers (2017) – Bryan Cranston’s Beautiful Blue Body||Tensions run high as viewing of the feature-length Krispy Kreme commercial Power Rangers (2017) launches Ben and Molly into a bitter debate regarding Bryan Cranston’s naked body. Ben pitches his idea for a Friends/Power Rangers crossover event.||12/4/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#31 – Spice World (1997) – Ennui Spice||Ben and Molly find themselves inexplicably watching Spice World (1997) and, still more inexplicably, enjoying it. Ben proudly flaunts his encyclopedic Spice Girls knowledge. Molly meets her second wife.||11/27/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#30 – Barbie: Fairytopia (2005) – A Perpetual State of Scat Fury||Ben and Molly take a 70-minute nap while the inconsequential Barbie: Fairytopia (2005) happens to be playing in the background. Ben accidentally leaks the plot of Avengers 4. Molly makes an ambitious plan to pen the next Barbie movie script.||11/20/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#29 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) – Also Pringles||Ben and Molly return once more to the familiar sewers of New York, where Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze (1991) locks them in a horny, reptilian embrace. Ben finds his new calling as a chemtrail truther.||11/13/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#28 – Action Man: Robot Atak (2004) – The Truckdel Test||Ben and Molly learn firsthand the danger of YouTube rabbit trails by haplessly stumbling into a viewing of Action Man: Robot Atak (2004). Ben discovers a beloved toy company’s tragic backstory. Molly dazzles with her expertise on all things Australia||11/6/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#27 – Monster High: New Ghoul at School (2010) / Monster High: Fright On! (2011) – A Downed Power Line||In this spooktacular Halloween double feature, Ben and Molly watch Monster High: New Ghoul at School (2010) and Monster High: Fright On! (2011) expecting some good-natured scares, and are instead confronted with something truly terrifying.||10/30/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#26 – The Lego Batman Movie (2017) – My Feet Are Attached to Your Head||Are they or aren’t they? Ben and Molly examine the crackling sexual tension between Batman and Joker in The Lego Batman Movie (2017). Ben waxes poetic about his orgy preferences. Molly considers a religious conversion.||10/16/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#25 – Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper (2004) – Just Gals Being Pals||In this special musical episode, Ben and Molly watch the comparatively chaste Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper (2004), and against all odds still manage to kink it up. Ben integrates some hair-related trauma.||10/9/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#24 – Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965) – Doctor Reginald VelJohnson Who||Ben takes Molly on a whirlwind tour of his favorite sci-fi property by subjecting her to Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965), a film which does a questionable job of capitalizing on the Dalekmania of the 1960s. Ben subsequently regrets every choice he has ev.||10/2/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#23 – Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) – Two Heads, Four Breasts, Can’t Lose||Ben and Molly stew in disappointment after failing to be titillated by Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001). Ben discovers an ugly truth that threatens to derail his comedy career. Molly fondly recalls her own conception.||9/25/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#22 – Jem and the Holograms (2015) – I Just Saw a Robot J**z Out My Father||Ben and Molly put their ignorance of the beloved ’80s property on full display as they traverse the unexpected kink minefield that is Jem and the Holograms (2015). Ben presents a textbook case of Stockholm Syndrome.||9/18/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#21 – Batman & Robin (1997) – Chekhov’s Buns||Ben and Molly can barely handle the sheer volume of awakenings brought on by the questionably toyetic yet unquestionably sexy Batman & Robin (1997). Ben hosts a star-studded potluck dinner. Molly discovers her new style icon.||9/13/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#20 – Barbie of Swan Lake (2003) – Frasier Zero||Is there trouble in paradise? Ben and Molly clumsily grope for common ground after a viewing of Barbie of Swan Lake (2003) leaves them at odds. Ben reaches his kink breaking point. Molly strives to be her Best Self.||8/22/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#19 – Battleship (2012) – The ’50 First Dates’ Extended Cinematic Universe||Ben and Molly weep, wail, and gnash their teeth through the massive mistake of a film that is Battleship (2012). Ben bemoans a dearth of on-screen breasts. Molly is forced to confront all of her deepest and most primal fears.||8/15/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#18 – Furby Island (2005) – A Wretched Grim Matryoshka of Despair||Things take a dark turn after a viewing of Furby Island (2005) brings Ben and Molly face to face with their own mortality. Ben grievously insults the entire Australian continent. Molly’s worldview is shaken to its core.||8/8/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#17 – Pokémon: The Movie 2000 (1999) – The Birds and the Balls||Molly’s wife Timber fills in for a truant Ben to participate in a marriage-testing viewing of the benign but bland Pokémon: The Movie 2000 (1999). Molly recalls a harrowing lube experience. Timber thinks that Pokémon should be able to vote.||7/24/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#16 – Dungeons & Dragons (2000) – Too Many McGuffins||Ben and Molly fail their wisdom saving throws against Dungeons & Dragons (2000) and are confused for the duration. Ben makes yet another unsuccessful attempt to sell Molly on Doctor Who. Molly embarks on an epic quest to find a piece of extremely obsc||7/18/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#15 – Barbie as Rapunzel (2002) – God Bless Robert McKee||Like an angel of mercy, Robert McKee swoops down to bless Ben and Molly with the surprisingly enjoyable Barbie as Rapunzel (2002). Ben betrays a suspicious amount of familiarity with Sonic mpreg fanfiction.||7/3/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#14 – The Angry Birds Movie (2016) – Unlimited Access To My Mouth||In this 420 friendly episode, Ben and Molly load into a comically oversized slingshot and launch themselves at The Angry Birds Movie (2016). Ben bravely soldiers on in the face of traumatic Emoji Movie flashbacks.||6/27/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#13 – Candy Land: The Great Lollipop Adventure (2005) – Kink Andy||Ben and Molly come down with the psychological equivalent of a stomachache after consuming Candy Land: The Great Lollipop Adventure (2005). Ben composes a lengthy dissertation on his personal candy bar preferences.||6/19/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#12 – Transformers (2007) – Samwise Gangee Has Got The AllSpark||Michael Bay is singlehandedly responsible for ruining this episode, in which Ben and Molly lose 143 minutes of their lives to the cinematic monstrosity Transformers (2007). Ben invents an effective but questionably humane form of euthanasia.||5/30/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#11 – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995) – Boobie-Wan Kenobi||Ben and Molly metaphorically throw themselves out of the plane that is Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995). Ben discovers the next great visual artist of our generation. Molly dictates a legally binding letter of final wishes.||5/9/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#10 – Barbie in the Nutcracker (2001) – Mocap, Mo’ Problems||Ben and Molly perform a dark ritual to sacrifice 78 minutes of their finite mortal lives to the shifting, shapeless spectre of a film that is Barbie in the Nutcracker (2001). Ben astral projects for the first time.||4/17/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#09 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) – Teentle Meentle Neentle Tootles||Dick jokes abound as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) gives Ben and Molly an unsolicited crash course in turtle puberty. Ben composes a set of exceedingly helpful mnemonic poems to keep the turtles’ names straight.||4/3/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#08 – My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) – I Guess I’ll Die||Still reeling from the previous episode, Ben and Molly look to My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) for mercy and find none. Ben recalls the first time he realized that love is dead. Molly acquires short-term amnesia as a coping mechanism.||3/27/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#07 – The Emoji Movie (2017) – Apples||Ben holds Molly at friendshippoint and forces her to watch The Emoji Movie (2017), a plan which backfires spectacularly. Ben makes a heartfelt personal entreaty to Patrick Stewart. Molly accidentally composes a stirring piece of poetry.||3/13/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#06 – The Lego Movie (2014) – When You Lost The Magic||After suffering through an unbroken string of terrible films, Ben and Molly find respite in The Lego Movie (2014) and admittedly aren’t quite sure what to do with themselves in the absence of searing psychological pain.||3/6/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#05 – Barbie and the Rockers: Out of This World / Barbie and the Sensations: Rockin’ Back to Earth (1987) – The Sensations Are Cramps||Ben and Molly Lamaze breathe through all 45 minutes of Barbie and the Rockers and Barbie and the Sensations: Rockin’ Back to Earth (1987) – for science! Ben devises the perfect murder for Neil DeGrasse Tyson.||2/27/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#04 – Pokémon: The First Movie (1998) – My Charizard From Hell||Ben and Molly look on in bewilderment as Pokémon: The First Movie (1998) accidentally dismantles the very foundation of its franchise’s premise. Ben makes the best joke of his entire career. Molly is mostly just relieved at the absence of weird sexu||2/12/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#03 – Super Mario Bros. (1993) – “It’s A Blast!”||Ben and Molly put both their friendship and their general psychological resiliency to the test with a viewing of Super Mario Bros. (1993). Ben unlearns everything he has ever known about dinosaurs. Molly creates the best portmanteau of all time.||2/5/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#02 – Masters of the Universe (1987) – Two Bags of Skittles||In this sophomore(ic) episode, Ben and Molly watch Masters of the Universe (1987) and make virtually no attempt to hide the fact that they would have much rather watched Flight of the Navigator. Ben tries and fails to rein in the sexiness.||1/29/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||Explicit#01 – Trolls (2016) – Naked Troll Encounter||In this racy premiere episode, Ben and Molly watch Trolls (2016), a psychedelic fever dream of a film whose apparent directive is to incite in its young viewers as many kink awakenings as possible. Ben reveals a secret online double life.||1/22/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
Cue the kazoos!
The show begins with the most excruciatingly catchy theme song (the Toyetic Toe Tapper) which will have you humming along on your imaginary kazoo for weeks to come. It's kind of a problem....but at least it is an adorable problem.
Ben and Molly are both clever, quick-witted, and simply a joy to listen to. They're so lovely it almost makes me feel bad listening to them suffer through some truly awful movies for our amusement.
You need not suffer through these films yourself to enjoy The Life Toyetic! In fact, you probably shouldn't (at least most of the time). Leave it to the experts Molly & Ben to guide you through what is a minefield of cinematic mistakes with the occasional diamond in the rough.
The Life Toyetic is not just a bad movie podcast though: it is a fun trip down memory lane, a unique perspective on movie marketing, and overall just a really enjoyable listen.
On a scale of Emoji Movie to Lego Movie scale, The Life Toyetic is definitely giving a kind hug and a cuddle to some Lego friends. If that doesn't make any sense to you, then I suggest giving this podcast a listen! It still won't make sense, but at least you will have a good time.
Friend of the show, Mrs. Jayremy
A wonderful trip through the depths of children’s cinema!
Seriously, these two hosts are the most pleasant people to have in your ears! They’re full of entertaining tangents, so don’t worry, the podcast is still fun even when the movies they watch are trash garbage!
Their suffering brings me joy
Molly and Ben are so funny and insightful, it's wonderful to listen to them try to cope with their self-inflicted torment. Who knew toy movies caused so many sexual awakenings?