By Tj Condon
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Welcome to Turtle's Paradise, where Chris & Tj invite you to join them in attempting to grasp the miasma of numbers, princesses, and strange haircuts that IS Final Fantasy.
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VII.5||Wherein Tj and Chris (at long last) welcome Cid's comeuppance vis-a-vis a certain assistant, confirm that you can't do the Wutai quest after the Return to Midgar, and trivialize the entire challenge on a couple different occasions. This week's beer: Ru||9/4/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VII.4||Wherein Tj and Chris raise their body temperatures by any means necessary, completely disregard a tower defense game, and disappoint the more religious members of their families. This week's beer: Rock Bottom Pittsburgh Uppity Jagoff IPA Music credits:||6/7/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VII.3||Wherein Tj and Chris are ON A BOAT, in LITTLE DUNE BUGGY, and go down in a blaze of glory but are still able to paddle around in shallow water and rivers.Oh, yeah, and she dies. Deal with it. This week's beer: Southern Tier Nu Skool IPA Music credits:||5/17/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VII.2||Wherein Tj and Chris channel their inner Kornheiser and Wilbon, shill grenades as the answer to every problem in Midgar, and receive gifts of dice and portability from friend of the show Andrew! This week's beer: Magic Hat TFG IPA Music credits: OP: "||3/21/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VII.1||Wherein Tj and Chris ACTUALLY PUBLISH A BLEEDING PODCAST FOR A CHANGE, plug their Final Fantasy XI streaming project senseless, name-check Legend of Legaia for whatever reason, and Tj dishonors himself by not mentioning EarthBound amongst his formative||3/3/2018||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Bonus Episode #1||Wherein Tj and Chris realize that they've lived someone's D&D campaign, II tried really hard (and the cast of VIII needs to get punched), Mario Hoops 3-on-3 was a thing that existed, Edward's the second-best bard in Final Fantasy (out of 2), you can nev||11/20/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VI.5||Wherein Tj and Chris get Ultima, get Quick, get magic costs down to nearly nil, and break the endgame over their knees. Also, they tease a big announcement in the cheesiest and most cringeworthy way possible. You've been warned. This week's beer: New||10/23/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VI.4||Wherein Tj and Chris put the band back together (following an epiphany at a church that may or may not involve James Brown), quality-check seafood for half an hour in an attempt to stabilize an ambulatory condom, and elucidate upon just why, in fact, t||10/6/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VI.3||Wherein Tj and Chris go digging through the trash for magical monsters to collect and trade, comport themselves with the utmost decorum, and fail at feng shui so badly that entire continents are destroyed. This week's beer: Selin's Grove Brewing Compan||9/20/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VI.2||Wherein Tj and Chris fail Latin so hard they conjure an extradimensional evil, don't fare much better in Italian either, and Turtle's Paradise would like to apologize for the poor quality of the beer segment. This week's beer: Fat Head's G'suffa Oktobe||9/13/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. VI.1||Wherein Tj and Chris beat the "You Don't Break Up The Party" concept into Square's collective noggins with a rubber panel-beating mallet, prove that Kefka is the jankiest of clowns (HBO series notwithstanding), and reminisce about when summons were act||9/6/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. V.5||Wherein Tj and Chris finally make this whole "meatdimension" thing make sense, Shigesato Itoi gleans yet another inspiration from Final Fantasy, and I still have to saw through this banana. This week's beer: Rheingeist Quadra Funk Hoppy Wild Ale Music||8/24/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. V.4||Wherein Tj and Chris are really concerned for the self-destructive behavior Lenna's exhibiting, waffle on whether or not to call them Crystals just yet, and お前はもう死んでいる This week's beer: Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster Imperial IPA Mu||8/21/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. V.3||Wherein Tj and Chris try not to get split in half by Conan the Librarian, perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a chocobo, and go on at length about how awesome Clash on the Big Bridge is. This week's beer: Rusted Rail Blue Collar Raspberry Music credits: O||8/4/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. V.2||Wherein Tj and Chris interrupt their lives of leisure for the sake of a princess and an amnesiac, learn the value of rods (specifically, exactly 750 gil) and get their motors running for the annual Karnak 500! This week's beer: Magic Hat Ticket to Rye||7/21/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. V.1||Wherein Tj and Chris explain just why they'll be wearing sombreros for this game, celebrate the introduction of Blue Mages to Final Fantasy, and prepare for a (couple) runs through a game that I guess we were just too stupid for in the 90s. This week's||7/18/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. IV.5||Wherein Tj and Chris go bang zoom right to the moon, then back down again, then through a giant's digestive tract, then back to the moon, then into the moon, then into a bottle. This week's beer: Brewery Ommegang Valar Morghulis Music credits: Opening||6/30/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. IV.4||Wherein Tj and Chris break a little girl's dolls AND swipe her necklace, beat an injured friend about the head with a frying pan, and celebrate the meteoric rise of Jake Guentzel. This week's beer: East End Big Hop Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GE||6/17/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. IV.3||Wherein Tj and Chris put down three out of four fiends, shed pounds quickly and easily (by ditching all the metal) and celebrate a deep cut from ELO's Time album. This week's beer: Erie Railbender Scottish-style Ale Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG!||6/10/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
||CleanTurtle's Paradise Ep. IV.2||Wherein Tj and Chris get volunteered for a trap^H^H^H^Hdelivery mission, Animal Crossing of all things gets name-checked, and a Gordon Lightfoot classic gets repurposed into a dig on Alexander Ovechkin. This week's beer: Ballast Point Unfiltered Sculpi||5/18/2017||Free||View in iTunes|
Good Chemistry Between Hosts
I started with the most recent few episodes (I should probably go back and listen to the first few), but I can tell the hosts have great chemistry. They're always riffing off each other while simultaneously painting an interesting picture about the history of Final Fantasy. It makes me want to go back and try out those older games.
Ye Olden Tymes ov Are Pee Jees
Need BEER and other Alcoholic Beverages to be Enjoyed fully! Since I cannot partake of Alcohol anymore, it means these Fine Gentlemen must make up the difference and boy do they! Beer Plus Final Fantasy Equals Funny! The Daring Duo fit together like, I don't know, two peas in a pod or some other cliche. Enjoying the podcast greatly and playing along too. Wishing you all the luck in the world once you get to Final Fantasy 3! You WILL need it!
BEST. PODCAST. EVER.
Final Fantasy and beer! What can go wrong? I"m definitely not biased because I'm definitely not one of the cohorts (oh who am I kidding I totally am).